Monday, July 06, 2009

Genetically-modified TV

I did not imagine, even in my wildest nightmares, that the current fad for all things 80s would see a return to our screens of that Lycra-clad loon Mr Motivator.

He certainly motivates me to do something but I don't think he would approve - though his dentist might appreciate the work. EVERYBODY SAY AAAH!

I detest the sight of Brits - albeit in this case a Jamaican-born Brit - as pseudo Americans, with all the "let me hear ya say yeah!" and constant whooping and hollering. What's more the sight of it over the breakfast table is enough to make me choke on my Fruit and Fibre.

However, Mr M is not the worst of it currently. He has been joined on GMTV by Deanne Berry who looks great but sounds like somebody pulling a cheese grater over a blackboard.

If there's one thing worse than a Jamaican-born pseudo American fitness guru it's a whining Aussie pseudo American fitness guru. Whoo! Yeah!

Berry rose to prominence by appearing as a fitness instructor in the video for Eric Prydz's hit Call on Me in 2004. She was great in that because she had no dialogue. Hats off to the video's producer who knew what he or she was doing. More fool GMTV for giving her voice.

But what should we expect from GMTV? When it was first launched as TVam 26 years ago, it was seen as a serious rival to the BBC's Breakfast-Time. Now it's not even a serious rival to CBeebies.

As a hack, one has to feel sorry for journalists like John Stapleton and Richard Gaisford who are often sent out to report on one of the genuinely important news stories of the day only to be cut short by Emma Crosby - the non-thinking man's Kelly Brook - who wants to fawn over a boy band or an actor from a US teen show.

"I'm sorry, we're unable to hear any more about the nuclear explosion which has just taken place on the Bakerloo line because somebody you've never heard of, who is set to appear in a film you'll never see, was prepared to give up five minutes at last night's Los Angeles premiere to talk to Carla Romana (somebody you wish you'd never heard of)."

I console myself with the thought that Stapleton, Gaisford and the rest of the 'news' team are planning a Great Escape-style breakout, tunnelling their way through to a 24-hour news channel which will allow them to give full details of the breaking story without interruption from OK!TV and the latest on the Peter Andre/Jordan break-up.

I see it now: the veteran Stapleton pleading with the rest of the team. "Take me with you - I can still see a proper news story!"

Tragedy strikes and the tunnel comes up short. Gaisford turns to his colleagues and says: "Right chaps, we're left with no choice. We have to make a run for it in the clearing and join Channel 5."

"Channel 5?" They respond in horror.

"Calm down chaps. It's not ideal but at least we won't have to put up with Mr bloody Motivator every morning. Who's with me?"

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